a losing battle (free at last Book 2) Read online

  He snarls and starts crawling through the sand again.

  At long last, the call comes:

  “Hell Week is secured!”

  The liberating words! Five and a half days are over. My gaze seeks Killian’s, and I see the same pride there that I’m feeling. Hell, yeah! We have made it through Hell Week!

  All I want to do is sleep. I don’t even want to take a shower first, even though I have mud stuck in every bodily opening and other places where it certainly does not belong. Sand is rubbing against the skin inside my ass crack, and I’m going to be so sore I might as well try anal. Which couldn’t possibly be worse than this. But none of that matters right now. All I want is sleep.

  Hell Week has been hell. There’s no other way to put it. But it has also been an experience we’re going to benefit from for the rest of our lives. Seventy-five percent of our group gave up. The rest of us developed a really solid bond. Fuck, we survived Hell Week! I don’t think anybody’s ever been as proud as we are. The boys who got through it with us feel like brothers. It’s a new kind of camaraderie because we know now that we can’t survive without our team. I helped Rivers and Donovan, and Killian helped me. We only made it through this because our teammates didn’t let us give up.

  Killian is named Honor Man because with his discipline and team spirit, he’s actually helped a lot of us. He was a shining example in the darkness of Hell.

  However, my assumption that Phase Two would be easier is irrefutably wrong.

  Okay, maybe we don’t have to crawl through the sand anymore, but we’re definitely still as soaked as we were during Phase One. Phase Two is basically seven weeks of combatant diving. I’m glad I’ve always been like a fish in the water—and glad for the head start we got in our earlier training. I don’t know whether I would have survived this otherwise. One thing is clear: The Navy is no less crazy than the Marines.

  No wonder the SEALs say their program is the toughest in the world. It doesn’t just challenge you physically, but mentally, too. When you’re out on special missions, you need to be able to rely on your comrades one hundred percent. If there is even one unstable person in there, you risk everybody else’s lives.

  Somehow, we manage to get through it together, and as we stand, facing the last seven weeks dedicated to land warfare, I realize that I’ve grown. Not physically, but as a human being. I’ve grown stronger than I was before. And I’ve learned that I can surpass even my former self. That I can rely on myself and my skills when the worst comes to the worst.

  12

  Mackenzie

  As I shove laundry into the washing machine, I go through pockets. What’s this? Digging through a pocket in Carter’s pant, I pull out a piece of fabric. It’s a thong.

  Incredulously, I stare at the tiny piece of cloth, unable to process what I’m seeing. When I finally do, I drop it on the floor like I’ve been burned.

  It isn’t mine. We haven’t had sex in ages, so it can’t be. Well, maybe he took it out of my drawer… But he’s never even been into panties. I mean, he might put a thong in his pockets in the heat of the moment, but to seek it out? No. I take a closer look at the thong on the floor… No, it’s not mine. That much is clear.

  Those must have been Carey’s pants, and I didn’t realize. They must be. Carter would never… No, not him. I grab the pants the thong came out of and march upstairs. Carey’s sitting on the couch playing some video game.

  “Are these yours?” I ask, praying he’ll say yes.

  He looks up for a second. “Are you serious? Those are old-man pants.”

  I nod. Yes. They are… And I know exactly when Carter was wearing them, too. The day he got back from New York. I can still see that smudge on them. I made macaroni and cheese, and he dropped some on his thigh. We were laughing and joking about it, and for the first time in ages, things didn’t feel so tense between us. I don’t remember where Carey was, but he wasn’t home.

  Carey pauses his game. “Why do you ask?”

  I shake my head and go back downstairs. I don’t want to tell Carey what I’m thinking. It wouldn’t be fair. Carter is his dad…

  How ironic this all is. Carter left Lauren because she cheated on him, and now he’s doing the same to me.

  I hear footsteps on the stairs. Carey, obviously. I should have known. I don’t want to touch the thong, but I don’t want Carey to see it, either. I’ve just convinced myself to pick it up when Carey asks, “What’s that?”

  “Nothing.” I try to hide it.

  “Is that yours?”

  I should just say yes. I should, but I can’t. I don’t want to burden Carey with this, but I just can’t help myself. I shake my head.

  “Was it in Dad’s pocket?”

  Even though I don’t want to, I reply with a hesitant nod.

  And then he punches the wall. “Fucking asshole!”

  “Carey!” I call out in shock. I’ve never seen him so aggressive. He’s always so laid-back.

  “I’m so sorry, Mac,” he mumbles quietly.

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know…”

  And then we just stand there. Me with another woman’s thong in my hand, Carey with his knuckles bleeding.

  “Just put that down,” he says after a while.

  I nod, but my muscles refuse to move. I keep holding it. I don’t know why I can’t put it down.

  Carey’s hands close around mine. His warmth makes my fingers move again. As the black lace sails onto the floor, Carey takes my hand and interlaces our fingers.

  “It’s you and me, Mac.”

  I know what this means, but I can’t do that to him. He can’t choose me over his dad. He can’t.

  “You can’t do that.”

  “Yes, I can. You’re my family, Mac.”

  That’s all he needs to say. I’m family to him, and he’s family to me.

  Later, I’m sitting on our bed that no longer feels like ours. It has become a lonely place. How long have we not slept in this bed together? I don’t even know.

  I realize one thing now. My feelings for Carter have faded. Maybe true love lasts even if you are not loved back. But my love for Carter hasn’t. I need more. More emotion, more attention, more affection. If I can’t get that, if I don’t feel like the other person loves me as much as I love him, my feelings wilt.

  I wonder whether Hunter feels the same. Are his feelings for me wilting, too, because I’m not returning them?

  Hunter.

  Just because I’ve realized I don’t love Carter anymore, it doesn’t mean I’m in love with Hunter…

  The little voice inside my head calls me a fool, and my belly is almost vibrating it’s fluttering so hard. But…that doesn’t mean I’m in love, right? Or does it? Am I in love with Hunter?

  I don’t know…

  Fool, fool, fool, yells every cell in my body.

  Am I in love with him after all?

  I’m so confused. Why do emotions have to be so confusing? Do I love Hunter?

  A little buzzing sound makes itself heard, like a thousand voices have united, only to get a single word, a three-letter word, out into the world.

  My heart, my body, goes warm when I finally allow myself to feel what I’ve been carrying around inside me for months. God, how could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I recognize sooner what others have been telling me for such a long time? Why did I let myself get so caught up in my relationship with Carter?

  I don’t know. But now I see that I was wrong. Now that I know who my feelings are actually aimed at, I can no longer keep them locked up inside me.

  I grab the phone and call Shane. “What’s up?” he answers.

  “When can I talk to Hunter?”

  “Uh, why?”

  “Just tell me, Shane!” Normally I’m a patient person, but today… No, today, I’m not patient.

  “Tell me what’s so urgent,” he counters, amusement in his voice.

  “Oh my God! You’re the worst!”

  “No inf
o from you, no info from me.”

  “Asshole.”

  “Don’t make it so difficult, sweetheart. Just spit it out.”

  This guy… If I didn’t owe so much to him, I’d kill him.

  “I want to talk to Hunter,” I say simply.

  “Yes, I got that. About what?”

  Seriously? You’re going to make me say it? “About… About the possibility of changing our relationship.”

  He laughs. “Have you finally realized you’re in love with him?”

  I clamp my mouth shut, which makes him laugh even harder. “That’s not very nice,” I say eventually.

  “Oh, sweetheart, it’s taken you so long! I should have taken bets on when you’d come around.”

  I really want to kill him. I hate the way he’s laughing at me. “When can I talk to Hunter?” I repeat, slowly and loudly.

  “He finishes BUD/S the day after tomorrow. There’s a party with family invited. He was going to take me, but I bet he’d prefer if you took my place.”

  The day after tomorrow…

  Okay, maybe I can wait till then. Maybe!

  13

  Hunter

  On our last day at BUD/S, a lot of people get visitors. I’m not expecting anybody, since nobody’s come to see me so far. I wonder what it would have been like if Mac had come to see me. Or even Carey.

  “Hey, Killer!” Donovan calls over. I’m sitting a little off to the side, not wanting to interrupt everybody’s family reunions.

  “Yeah?”

  “Aren’t you going to say hi to your visitor?”

  I squint. “My visitor?”

  Donovan laughs. “She’s waiting at the gate.”

  She?

  I jump up and almost run to the gate. And there she is. Brown eyes, brown hair getting tousled by the wind, long, sexy legs, and a beautiful summer dress. I’m fighting down tears.

  I open my arms, mostly to stop myself from falling over, but she misunderstands the gesture, runs toward me, and throws herself around my neck. As I wrap my arms around her, she wraps her legs around my hips.

  “God, Mac,” I whisper against her neck. I squeeze my face into her hair, not wanting anyone to see me so emotional. She strokes my neck, shoulders, back, holding me tight.

  “I’m so proud of you, Hunter,” she says again and again. She leans her cheek against my shaved head.

  “God, baby,” I say again, feeling her tits pushing against my chest.

  “Come home,” she says quietly.

  “I don’t have a home.”

  “Your home is with the people you love, Hunt. Carey and I are there. Come on. You’re free now, right?”

  I nod and keep squeezing her. “I can’t, Mac. I can’t see Dad.” I haven’t seen him since we had that horrible conversation on the phone. It hurts, but…what can I say? I guess you can get used to anything.

  “He’s not there,” she says quietly.

  “It doesn’t feel right to go behind his back.”

  “I made some osso buco,” she says, leaning back a little to look in my eyes.

  “You’re not fighting fair.”

  “Please come.”

  Like I could turn her down. I nod, even if I really don’t like the idea. I put her down, and her hand reaches for mine. It feels good, and at the same time, it makes me sad, because she’s not really my girl.

  At home—Dad’s home, more like—Carey is waiting for me. Shit, he’s totally grown up!

  “Dude,” he says, hugging me tight. I hug him back, and it’s ages before we manage to let go of each other.

  “You’re huge,” I say.

  He laughs and smooths his blond hair back. “I do what I can.”

  “How are you doing?” I ask, sitting down at the kitchen island, watching Mac cook. I would help her, really, but it makes me feel so good to watch my girl cook for me. Maybe that makes me an ass, but it is how it is. And looking at the way her eyes are shining, it’s obviously making her happy, too.

  “Really good,” Carey says. “School’s finally over. You asshole didn’t even come to see me off to prom, by the way.” He punches my shoulder. I moan playfully, and Mac comes over, looking worried.

  “Is everything okay?” she asks. “Are you injured?”

  “I just finished BUD/S. Of course I’m injured,” I joke.

  “Don’t be such a pussy,” Carey laughs.

  “Shut up.”

  He grins. “It’s good to have you back.”

  I mess up his hair. “It’s good to see you, too, bro!”

  He smiles somewhat wistfully, and my heart gets heavy.

  “I’m sorry, Carey. I’ve been a bad brother. I haven’t been in touch enough over the last two years. I should have been here for you. Instead, you just had to fend for yourself.”

  “Not really,” he says, looking at Mac.

  I nod. “Okay, not really.”

  “How long are you in San Diego for?” he asks.

  “No idea. BUD/S is over now, so I don’t know what’s next…”

  “Are they sending you to the Middle East?” he asks.

  I snort quietly. “At some point, yes.”

  He looks at me calmly. “Is that what you want?”

  I return his look firmly. “Yes. All of this is exactly what I want. I’ve never felt as right anywhere before in my life.”

  He puts a hand on my shoulder. “I just want you to be happy, man.”

  “Thanks,” I say, but I look at Mac, and he knows what the look means. “So, what about you? Are you going to introduce me to your new flame?”

  He waves it off. “I’m not planning to bring her home yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “It would make her think we’re super serious. But we’re just semi-serious at this point.”

  I grin. “I see.” He told me on the phone he split up with Katie. I thought it was kind of sad, because she was always nice. But then again, I want him to find big love, too, not just make do with the first girl who happens to come along.

  “What about you? As an elite fighter, they must be lining up to kiss your feet,” he jokes.

  I can see Mac’s shoulders tense, but she doesn’t turn around. Carey winks at me, and I know what he’s trying to do. I shake my head. I don’t want to hurt her in any way.

  “Maybe, but I’m not interested,” I say firmly. I see Mac’s body relax again. “There’s only one girl I want.”

  Her back twitches a little, she’s shaking. Cautiously, I step behind her and put my arms around her waist. “Baby…”

  She turns around and buries her head in my chest. “It’s going to be an hour and a half before we can eat. I’m going upstairs for a while.” She’s gone so fast, I can’t hold her in place.

  Carey smiles happily.

  I give him a questioning look. “You like Dad. Why does this make you happy?”

  “Is it that obvious?” he asks, not even trying to look contrite.

  “Pretty obvious, yeah.”

  “Do you remember how we felt about Mac when we first met her?”

  “Of course, I do. We were such assholes.”

  He nods. “We wondered why would she want to be with a rich old man, right?”

  “Eloquently put, bro.”

  “I agree. But we never wondered why Dad was with Mac.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “You think Dad was using Mac, rather than the other way around?”

  He shrugs. “No idea. But don’t you think it’s funny a man like Dad would be interested in Mac? She’s great, sure, and I love her like a big sister. But what was Dad thinking dating a woman twenty years younger than him?”

  “First of all,” I say, “she’s not our big sister.”

  Carey laughs.

  “Second of all, maybe they’re actually in love.”

  Carey tilts his head a little. “They’re in love, all right. Or should I say, they were in love. But I can’t imagine him staying with her that long if she hadn’t been such a useful choice for him.”


  “Useful?” I frown. “You think Dad just wanted Mac to watch us while he was gone?”

  Carey nods. “I’m not saying he didn’t have feelings for her, but…you haven’t been here these past two years, man. Especially this year. Since I turned eighteen, Dad’s been in New York almost all the time. Before that, he still came back to see her now and then, but now…”

  “Maybe he’s just busy,” I say.

  “Or he doesn’t need her anymore because his sons are old enough to take care of themselves now. That might explain the fact that he’s cheating on her, too.”

  I squint, everything in my body vibrating. “Excuse me? What did you just say?”

  “Calm down, man! You’ll burst a vein.”

  I never knew I could get this angry this fast. Especially not after all that time in the Marines learning to keep calm no matter what. But what the fuck?

  “You’re kidding me!” I get up and pace the kitchen, which seems smaller than it did a few years ago. “How do you know about this?”

  “He had a thong that wasn’t Mac’s in his pants pocket.”

  “Fuck! Tell me she didn’t find it…” I look at him, but he just shrugs helplessly. “Fuck! What an asshole! He’s tearing our family apart just like Mom did. He’s doing the same thing to Mac? I don’t believe this!”

  “I know. That was my first thought, too.”

  “Okay.” I look up at the ceiling, breathing slowly. “How’s she dealing with it?”

  “She’s sad, I guess, but…”

  “But?”

  He shrugs. “Not as sad as you would expect.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I think their relationship was already over for her. Do you remember how sad she used to be whenever Dad had to go to New York? Even for a short time? Well, Dad hasn’t been here in four months. She used to cry when he was gone for three days, now she doesn’t care about four months. I mean, even before the thong thing happened. And since then, she hasn’t been noticeably sadder.” Carey gets a bottle of water from the fridge and holds it up. I nod, and he throws it at me before grabbing another for himself.